Saturday, November 23, 2013
Just in case.
I hate looking at magazines because they always make me feel incompetent; beauty magazines make me feel ugly. Art magazines make me feel like an amateur. I always have the best intentions when looking through them though, and that's what's makes it worse. I want to find out the new trends so I look in a magazine. I want new ideas for painting, so I look in a magazine. They always end extremely horrific though. But that's the ironic part; you have the best intentions, but feel like the rear-end of a donkey once you're done. I think the worst part is, is that people actually give you compliments, as bad as that sounds. "You're very pretty," yet you feel completely average and you blend in with the woodwork. "I could never draw anything that well," yet it is completely one dimensional and unproportional. The hardest onbstacle in any situation is yourself, yet you are a 90-foot brick wall, covered in spikes and lasers. The biggest question though, is why are we so hard on ourselves? Why can't we just love ourselves, accept our flaws, accept our differences, and move on? What makes the pool of self-pity so inviting? What makes the blanket of self-doubt so cozy? Or is it all in our heads? The pool is below freezing and the blanket is really just a towel, and we amplify everything in our minds, "just in case"?
Upon a memory
"We'll do it tomorrow, I'm tired."
"Not a very good outlook on life."
"Your spur of the moment whims."
"Don't do it out of rage."
None of this makes sense alone. Nothing ever makes sense alone. But once you weave it together, add in the extra splash, and viola, you have the extraordinarily bland, excruciatingly vivid picture of reality. Whose reality?
Yours?
Mine?
His?
Theirs?
Snapshots is all I see. Ideas are all that course. The great idea of a project, the messy idea of a picture. Never make a move out of rage, but only if it involves other people. Always create things out of passion, you may surprise yourself. Line after line, mile after mile, anger after hurt. Why are we always hurt?
Why do we always doubt ourselves?
Why do we never trust others?
Why is it so hard to convey real emotions?
Why must one follow the rules?
Who makes the rules? Who decides who I can and can't be, when and where of every moment of every day? Who decides what looks good and what doesn't? All alone I sit, fester on every fragment and scrap of cloth that entwines the sweatshirt of my being. Why are you everything I could have hoped for, while she is everything to me? People tell me they wish they had my hair, my legs, my personality, yet here I am, wishing for her smile, her body, and her arms?
All alone, are the shards of my brain.
All alone and by myself.
All alone with no cares.
All alone with all the cares that could have ever come to be.
Too many questions, not enough answers. Too many words, not enough thoughts. Too much vision, not enough insight. Too many woes, not enough cares. Too many people, too much selfishness.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I am a rock. Nothing more, nothing less.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
To be friendly or not have anyone to talk to. To be fake or to be myself. To be likable or to be honest.
No ultimatums, people will get angry. No humor, people won't like it. No pants, it doesn't look professional.
I don't understand. Nothing I do is enough. I am willing to sacrifice everything I am, everything I have attempted to build for myself, just because you asked me to. Always being taken advantage of. Always demolishing the inside. Always an empty shell.
People say I'm extraordinarily blunt and they love how harsh I am. If they only knew the inside was softer than a feather. If they only knew the network that travels through my body that conveys everything I sense; every smell, every look, every word. The details too fine to describe. The connections that relay everything. Everything is remembered. And I can't forget.
Too deep inside myself, and too small to make it alone. That's where my personality festers. The real one. The one that people don't like and scare it into a corner. The one people have tried to change too many times that it is nothing more than a blank stone face; paint on it all you want, but it's still a rock. Kick it and throw it at someone and skip it across the water, yet it's still a rock. Years and days and minutes it dissolves for other people. It breaks when thrown. It chips when dropped. After every encounter, a new pockmark is created. The next person to see it doesn't waste a moment of their time to contemplate its shape; they are more important after all.
Everyone else is more important. The rock says nothing, asks for nothing in return, yet it's constantly exhausted from everyone else. The rock has no feelings, so who cares? The rock says nothing, so what does it matter? The rock doesn't defend itself, so it's automatically stupid and doesn't matter. You can exploit it as much, and in as many ways as you please. It's just a rock. Nothing more. Useless.
To be friendly or not have anyone to talk to. To be fake or to be myself. To be likable or to be honest.
No ultimatums, people will get angry. No humor, people won't like it. No pants, it doesn't look professional.
I don't understand. Nothing I do is enough. I am willing to sacrifice everything I am, everything I have attempted to build for myself, just because you asked me to. Always being taken advantage of. Always demolishing the inside. Always an empty shell.
People say I'm extraordinarily blunt and they love how harsh I am. If they only knew the inside was softer than a feather. If they only knew the network that travels through my body that conveys everything I sense; every smell, every look, every word. The details too fine to describe. The connections that relay everything. Everything is remembered. And I can't forget.
Too deep inside myself, and too small to make it alone. That's where my personality festers. The real one. The one that people don't like and scare it into a corner. The one people have tried to change too many times that it is nothing more than a blank stone face; paint on it all you want, but it's still a rock. Kick it and throw it at someone and skip it across the water, yet it's still a rock. Years and days and minutes it dissolves for other people. It breaks when thrown. It chips when dropped. After every encounter, a new pockmark is created. The next person to see it doesn't waste a moment of their time to contemplate its shape; they are more important after all.
Everyone else is more important. The rock says nothing, asks for nothing in return, yet it's constantly exhausted from everyone else. The rock has no feelings, so who cares? The rock says nothing, so what does it matter? The rock doesn't defend itself, so it's automatically stupid and doesn't matter. You can exploit it as much, and in as many ways as you please. It's just a rock. Nothing more. Useless.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I don't like that, you must be one.
One thing I'll never understand is how people become so completely closed minded, that they can never possibly even acknowledge a good idea that my be different. In a plain sense, football. I don't understand why people become so caught up in one team that they get angry if the other team does the same thing, but slightly better. But then again, I barely understand football in the first place, but you get the idea. Or politics; I don't understand why people become so angry with the thought of someone else having different view than them, that they are willing to yell and fight to no end about it. I know people that make remarks such as "They own a Prius, they must be a democrat" and "they watch Fox News, they must be a republican." I mean honestly, who cares? So what if that person drives a Prius or watches Fox News? What difference does it make? Why is it such a huge deal that they may have different ideas? Just because it's not what you think, doesn't mean it's so wrong. It drives me up the wall when people make comments like that, and I typically shut them out and leave because I don't want to be around a person who doesn't accept change. It is absolutely unfathomable to me that people can even be that way. No wonder our world is a superficial society that loves to argue about anything they can.
"I don't like her haircut." So what? You aren't the one that has to deal with it every day. "She wears dresses all the time." And your point is? Maybe she feels confident in dresses. What's so wrong with some variety in the world?
"I don't like her haircut." So what? You aren't the one that has to deal with it every day. "She wears dresses all the time." And your point is? Maybe she feels confident in dresses. What's so wrong with some variety in the world?
Thursday, November 14, 2013
"Money, that's what I want"
I was on twitter recently, and I saw a new account called "Wealthy Walrus." It was tweeting things like "For $2 million dollars, would you shave off your eyebrows?" This got me thinking how I really need a job, so my parents will stop yelling at me about responsibilities and what not, but also so I can have money to buy things that I want. Then it got me thinking about how materialistic society has become, and how all anyone cares about is money, and the things they can buy with it. People are willing to work themselves to the bone, during ridiculous hours, just so they can have the newest and most stylish thing. In reality, most people don't even notice other people's new and nice things, because they are so busy trying to work themselves to the bone to get the new thing for themselves. This makes no sense to me though, although I am a victim of it as well; why are people willing to steal, harm, and go to insane extremes just to get little pieces of paper with numbers on them. There is too high of a value placed on this paper, thinking it is necessary for life. Unfortunately, due to today's morphed ideas, this piece of paper now is required to do anything. What people don't think of is the fact that the earliest humans lived without it. They didn't care if they smelled or had old clothes on, they were worried about getting the necessities. The rest of the entire animal kingdom is completely okay without the use of money. Even if the animals started to use currency, we would look at them like they were crazy if they walked into a store, grabbed a Coke, and went to the cash register to pay. It wouldn't make any sense if they did, so why do humans care so much about money? Why did humans so deeply engrain the idea of money into society that we can't function without it? Made it so god-like, people are willing to steal, lie, and even kill for it?
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What parents don't understand.
Do you ever just sit there sometimes, and think you could rule the world? If you stood up right now, talked really fast, and moved at hyper speed, you could get everything done. You feel as if you hold the world in the palm of your hands, and you could move things how you please.
But then you start to formulate plans, decide when you are going to do certain things, decide how you want to execute them. Once you think it through, you remember how stunningly average you are. How plain, how simple, how common. You remember how difficult things really are, and then you shut down. You give up. You take a nap to forget the world.
Where does this start? Perhaps your parents are always yelling at you. You never see eye to eye; I mean how could they possibly understand what you are going through? They are ancient, and don't remember what it's like to be a teenager. They don't understand all the stress you go through just to try to make them happy. You take all the hard classes, you try your hardest, you join a million extracurricular activities, but nothing seems enough. You squeak by with a B after you studied for hours on that impossible AP Biology test, and they tell you that you aren't going to get into college because you got a B. They tell you that you don't try hard enough, just because you like to relax with a movie. They constantly remind you of how much more they like your sibling.
But why? Don't they understand how hard it is to try to impress them? Don't they understand that all their children ever do is try to make them proud? Why do they always brush off your big accomplishments like they are nothing?
You got into Honors Society? Neither parents can make the ceremony. You got elected into a student run office? They tell you that your position was probably the easiest one. You passed one of the AP exams? That's not enough, you didn't pass both.
What parents don't understand is that after a while, the ties of the family get worn down with all the negativity. It gnaws away at every last strand, until finally it severs. You don't care anymore if they are proud of you because you accept the fact that you are never good enough. You don't care, because no one does. All they ever do is yell at you and insult you. And they wonder why you are always hiding in your room, or always on the computer, or always doing something by yourself.
They wonder why you don't answer anymore. They wonder why you don't eat dinner with them anymore. They wonder why you don't care. They don't understand it's them. Parents don't understand how hard it is to try and be yourself when someone is always mean to you. They don't understand how hard their children try to make them happy, only to be told it wasn't good enough. It's never good enough. And they quit. That's the end, there's no more, nothing else to look forward to except leaving. Nothing else seems good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough, and I'm sorry.
But then you start to formulate plans, decide when you are going to do certain things, decide how you want to execute them. Once you think it through, you remember how stunningly average you are. How plain, how simple, how common. You remember how difficult things really are, and then you shut down. You give up. You take a nap to forget the world.
Where does this start? Perhaps your parents are always yelling at you. You never see eye to eye; I mean how could they possibly understand what you are going through? They are ancient, and don't remember what it's like to be a teenager. They don't understand all the stress you go through just to try to make them happy. You take all the hard classes, you try your hardest, you join a million extracurricular activities, but nothing seems enough. You squeak by with a B after you studied for hours on that impossible AP Biology test, and they tell you that you aren't going to get into college because you got a B. They tell you that you don't try hard enough, just because you like to relax with a movie. They constantly remind you of how much more they like your sibling.
But why? Don't they understand how hard it is to try to impress them? Don't they understand that all their children ever do is try to make them proud? Why do they always brush off your big accomplishments like they are nothing?
You got into Honors Society? Neither parents can make the ceremony. You got elected into a student run office? They tell you that your position was probably the easiest one. You passed one of the AP exams? That's not enough, you didn't pass both.
What parents don't understand is that after a while, the ties of the family get worn down with all the negativity. It gnaws away at every last strand, until finally it severs. You don't care anymore if they are proud of you because you accept the fact that you are never good enough. You don't care, because no one does. All they ever do is yell at you and insult you. And they wonder why you are always hiding in your room, or always on the computer, or always doing something by yourself.
They wonder why you don't answer anymore. They wonder why you don't eat dinner with them anymore. They wonder why you don't care. They don't understand it's them. Parents don't understand how hard it is to try and be yourself when someone is always mean to you. They don't understand how hard their children try to make them happy, only to be told it wasn't good enough. It's never good enough. And they quit. That's the end, there's no more, nothing else to look forward to except leaving. Nothing else seems good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough, and I'm sorry.
Oprah part 2
ALL THE BLOG POSTS! I EVEN SPLIT GOOD OL' OPRAH INTO TWO PARTS SO YOU CAN SEE MORE OF HER! MORE BLOG POSTS FOR YOU AND MORE FOR YOU TOO! YOU ALL WON A FREE BLOG POST!
Thursday we had the other half of our competition which was the team activity, also in the Galt hotel. Throughout the week, we also went shopping in the FFA Mega Store, and all the smaller shops that were set up there. I also won a pair of sunglasses, a water bottle, and a $25 gift card (which I used to buy the new Fall Out Boy album and the new Panic! at the Disco album which are both PHENOMENAL, by the way). I bough numerous things, which I can't remember all of them off the top of my head right now. We also had to run our Hall of States booth, which is basically a booth that describes all about Nevada agriculture and what we do here. Friday was our luncheon, where the FBM team found out our placing and got a delicious meal. That night, we went to a pumpkin carving show place, where there were THOUSANDS of pumpkins carved to look cool (many of which had EXTRAORDINARY details), and were placed along a forested area and lit up so you followed the path of Jack - O - Lanterns. Saturday we went to a local FFA chapter, and went through their haunted corn maze. It was about a mile or so, and a lot better than I expected. Although it was a lot of people screaming at you and people jumping out at you, Tyra fell flat on her butt and it was hilarious. It was better than expected, and i was thoroughly impressed. Sunday we went to a brewery, and then had to catch our flight home. This flight was a little bit more interesting. From Kentucky to Vegas, I got dizzy and felt like puking (woo, how fun), but I ate some food, and lied on the floor during our layover and felt better from the trip from Vegas to Reno. On the second flight, however, Jaycob completely lost his mind. He started crying hysterically because his hot chocolate was too hot, and he wanted pretzels instead of peanuts, but later remembered he didn't like pretzels and cried more. Pretty much made that flight bearable. I think we were all just exhausted though, and that's what made him snap. I think I'm still running on Kentucky time though, which is three hours ahead of Reno, because I keep waking up at 2 in the morning, and I'm tired by 9 at night. Hopefully I acclimate soon, or I'm screwed.
Thursday we had the other half of our competition which was the team activity, also in the Galt hotel. Throughout the week, we also went shopping in the FFA Mega Store, and all the smaller shops that were set up there. I also won a pair of sunglasses, a water bottle, and a $25 gift card (which I used to buy the new Fall Out Boy album and the new Panic! at the Disco album which are both PHENOMENAL, by the way). I bough numerous things, which I can't remember all of them off the top of my head right now. We also had to run our Hall of States booth, which is basically a booth that describes all about Nevada agriculture and what we do here. Friday was our luncheon, where the FBM team found out our placing and got a delicious meal. That night, we went to a pumpkin carving show place, where there were THOUSANDS of pumpkins carved to look cool (many of which had EXTRAORDINARY details), and were placed along a forested area and lit up so you followed the path of Jack - O - Lanterns. Saturday we went to a local FFA chapter, and went through their haunted corn maze. It was about a mile or so, and a lot better than I expected. Although it was a lot of people screaming at you and people jumping out at you, Tyra fell flat on her butt and it was hilarious. It was better than expected, and i was thoroughly impressed. Sunday we went to a brewery, and then had to catch our flight home. This flight was a little bit more interesting. From Kentucky to Vegas, I got dizzy and felt like puking (woo, how fun), but I ate some food, and lied on the floor during our layover and felt better from the trip from Vegas to Reno. On the second flight, however, Jaycob completely lost his mind. He started crying hysterically because his hot chocolate was too hot, and he wanted pretzels instead of peanuts, but later remembered he didn't like pretzels and cried more. Pretty much made that flight bearable. I think we were all just exhausted though, and that's what made him snap. I think I'm still running on Kentucky time though, which is three hours ahead of Reno, because I keep waking up at 2 in the morning, and I'm tired by 9 at night. Hopefully I acclimate soon, or I'm screwed.
Oprah part 1
BLOG POST FOR YOU AND BLOG POST FOR YOU AND YOU TOO! BLOG POSTS FOR EVERYONE!
It's really a shame that I've been busy with all my extracurricular activities, because all these blog posts are going to be posted within a short amount of time. But hey, at least I'm doing my work. Technically I was absent though, so I'm using that as my excuse.
However! I am going to elaborate on my trip to Nationals! The plane left Reno around 6:30 on Monday morning, and we flew for a couple hours, until we landed in Denver, then transferred to the flight to Kentucky. I worked a little bit on my homework during the flight, but mostly re-arranged my Playlists and enjoyed my new music. Once we landed, I could definitely tell it wasn't Nevada anymore because there was fog and humidity in the air; two of my favorite weather types. First we got ourselves situated and drove around a bit, trying to get the feel for the town. Tuesday morning, we went to Churchill Downs where they feature horse races. We watched a touchy- feely inspirational video about the horses growing up and their training. Then we toured the facilities, and even got to see some of the horses practice. Afterwards, we went to Louisville Slugger and wandered around the museum for a while, until our tour started and got to see how the bats were made, branded, and stained. We even got to watch one of the workers make a bat by hand on a lathe. At the end of our tour, we got free cute mini bats, and got pictures with the world's largest bat. Wednesday was the first half of our competition, so the Farm Business Management (FBM) team went to the Galt hotel to test. Let me tell you, that hotel is AWESOME! Not only were their fixtures and walls and everything super fancy, but they had a bar (yes, the alcohol kind) made out of a fish tank with REAL fish swimming around in it! Not only that, but they also had a 12 foot wide, 20 foot tall (my approximations here ladies and gentlemen) bird cage with real birds and quail! Forget the competition, this hotel made it so much more exiting.
It's really a shame that I've been busy with all my extracurricular activities, because all these blog posts are going to be posted within a short amount of time. But hey, at least I'm doing my work. Technically I was absent though, so I'm using that as my excuse.
However! I am going to elaborate on my trip to Nationals! The plane left Reno around 6:30 on Monday morning, and we flew for a couple hours, until we landed in Denver, then transferred to the flight to Kentucky. I worked a little bit on my homework during the flight, but mostly re-arranged my Playlists and enjoyed my new music. Once we landed, I could definitely tell it wasn't Nevada anymore because there was fog and humidity in the air; two of my favorite weather types. First we got ourselves situated and drove around a bit, trying to get the feel for the town. Tuesday morning, we went to Churchill Downs where they feature horse races. We watched a touchy- feely inspirational video about the horses growing up and their training. Then we toured the facilities, and even got to see some of the horses practice. Afterwards, we went to Louisville Slugger and wandered around the museum for a while, until our tour started and got to see how the bats were made, branded, and stained. We even got to watch one of the workers make a bat by hand on a lathe. At the end of our tour, we got free cute mini bats, and got pictures with the world's largest bat. Wednesday was the first half of our competition, so the Farm Business Management (FBM) team went to the Galt hotel to test. Let me tell you, that hotel is AWESOME! Not only were their fixtures and walls and everything super fancy, but they had a bar (yes, the alcohol kind) made out of a fish tank with REAL fish swimming around in it! Not only that, but they also had a 12 foot wide, 20 foot tall (my approximations here ladies and gentlemen) bird cage with real birds and quail! Forget the competition, this hotel made it so much more exiting.
Holy Blog Posts
Boy has it been a long time since I've done a blog post. But you know what that means? DO ALL THE BLOG POSTS! Sorry about that Burge, but I have been very busy in the past couple weeks. Three weeks ago we had fall break, where I did my capstone for the week. That threw off the mental schedule I try to keep up with in the first place, along with a term I'm calling "farmer's brain" where all I can think about and dream about is the sheep I worked with. Plus, I feel as if everything is in slow motion and should be as mellow and calm as playing with sheep. The following week when we were actually back in school, we only had a four day week because Friday was technically Nevada day, and then that Saturday I took the ACT. Going on a tangent here, I don't know how I feel about my ACT scores because although I took the SAT first and was prepared for a long day of testing, the questions were different and the ACT featured a science section which totally threw me off. I'm hoping that my scores are solid and I can at least get SOME scholarships. But the week of the 28th, I went to Kentucky to compete in Farm Business Management for FFA Nationals. Let me be the first to say, it was a BLAST! Although there may have been more than just a few misunderstandings and near death car accidents, overall I made the best of my time and had a good time. I personally place bronze, which may not sound all to prestigious, but I got a fancy little medal that says Nationals so I look like a cool kid, and that's what's up.
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